Dueling Depression

Well, I wish I could say that I have gotten farther on my organization project. I wish I could say that I have gotten tons of scrapbooking done (though I am still caught up on Project Life!) and am moving forward in life with zeal and hope. I wish I could say I have been a good friend to my best friend, who is finally going to have the baby she and her husband have been dreaming of adopting later this month and need help getting ready. I wish I could look at the possibility of my moms group at church possibly not having a coordinator and raise my hand saying “I’ll do it!” But sadly, none of these things is happening right now.

I haven’t really battled depression since shortly after the birth of my second child. I went through some pretty severe postpartum depression, and along with a friendship quickly going sour I pretty much just check out of the world. I talked to my counselor about it back then and we decided to start with antidepressants. When I took them, though, I felt like I was incapable of feeling anything at all; never happy, never sad. It just made it easier for me to check out for awhile, a zombie only doing what needed to be done to keep my family going, and sometimes not even that, leaving my husband to pick up the pieces and change the diapers that hadn’t been changed all day. I decided to stop taking the drugs and over time I slowly began to come out of it. Since then, I feel like I had a pretty positive outlook on life. I worked hard at building true friendships (though most of those fizzled eventually too) and getting out of my home and into the social world again.

I don’t know why I can feel myself slipping back into that mode again. I really noticed it start about April 2nd. Awhile ago I took my birthday off of public information on facebook because I feel like the “Happy Birthday” comments people leave are annoying and not really heartfelt. My birthday was April 4th, and I received a few texts from some close friends and one “happy birthday” comment from my mother-in-law, and that was it except for my family, and I was really and truly okay with that. Normally I love my birthday, but this year I pretty much wanted zero attention for it. My mom asked me what I wanted to do for our family celebration, and I said nothing. No special dinner out, no specific dinner made, nothing. We spent the Sunday before at my mom’s house eating a normal dinner and watching Black Swan. My husband and sisters had presents for me (including a Nook which I am now addicted to) and they all had a cake, but that was it. And even then it felt like more than enough. I’m not afraid of getting older; in fact, I look forward to turning 30 and feeling more like my age fits my current stage of life. Since then I have been having a hard time enjoying anything. Usually being around people energizes me and makes me happy; lately though it just exhausts me, and I just want to stay home and snuggle with my kids, or spend the evening at my parents house if I need to get out. I have a few projects I have been working on, like a recipe binder that is sorted by meats (so I can put my meal plans together faster) and the challenge I wrote for Deviantly Domesticated (so far I’m 1 for 1 in sending cards. The rest are made and ready to send). I’m not sitting around idle all the time, and even clean my kitchen at least once a week. But I’m having a hard time being motivated to do anything. My best friend’s new adopted baby will be here by Easter, and instead of being so excited and helping getting the room ready, I never call her or try to get together, and sometimes go over to her house even when I just really want to be at home with just my family. I feel like a bad friend. It’s not that I don’t want to help her, it’s just I don’t feel emotionally capable of it for some awful reason. Laying in bed when I can’t sleep leads to visions of my children getting run over by a car, and I’ve had a couple of times when I’ve had to sneak into their rooms when they are sleeping and just hold them to feel better. I always feel a sense of foreboding, like something terrible is going to happen. I’m hoping I can get out of this rut soon. I loved feeling confident and capable just a few weeks ago, knowing everything I was doing was benefiting my family. Now I just want to watch tv and read and sit on the computer, closed off and by myself, and obviously those are not good and healthy for myself or my family. Soon, I hope.

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About butterflyemily

I'm a stay-at-home mom who loves to be creative. Recently I decided to live my life using more recycled materials and green living ideas.
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